I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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