I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
