so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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