Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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