so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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