I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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