Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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