very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
