I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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