I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
