im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
