My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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