batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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