Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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