if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
