Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
