talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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