Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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