So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
