I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
