Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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