Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
