I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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