You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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