So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
