i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
