life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
