I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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