Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
