dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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