wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
