Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
