last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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