I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
