So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
