There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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