are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
