I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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