I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
