i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
