I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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