She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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