Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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