I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
