And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
