i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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