FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
