Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
