I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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