My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
