i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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