Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
