i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
