I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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