whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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