the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
