rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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