i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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