Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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