do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
