omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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