Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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