How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
