Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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