mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
