dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
