I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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