Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize